Tag Archives: stay at home mom

Mompiphany #47: Nesting, 4th Baby Style

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Children, Baby new born

The most common question that I get now that I am in my last few weeks of pregnancy is, “Are you ready?”, to which I always reply, “Is anyone ever ready to have a baby????” Of course with my first child when I was a mere 20 weeks along, the nursery looked like a page start out of Pottery Barn Kids, all of the zillion onesies that we had were gently cleaned with dreft, the infant carrier was carefully installed  at the local fire station and my husband and I were the subjects of a cheesy photoshoot that included a field, my bare belly and my husband’s fingers expressing a heart around my belly. I guess that you could say that with the arrival of each child my anal retentiveness about certain things has decreased. The love I have for the kids is always the same but the whole nesting process has been dramatically revamped, especially for my last pregnancy.

Now, my version of nesting is completely different than what it was almost a decade ago. Since it is almost game time, I have begun a new and improved version of nesting.  I have been scheduling lunches with all of my local girlfriends, I have booked babysitters for every.single Saturday nite up until the day I give birth so that Astor and I can go to as many movies as possible.  I have scheduled appointments for manicures and pedicures and all essential hair removal. I have cleaned out my email inbox, returned phone calls, purchased all of the crafts at AC Moore that my kids can easily and quietly do on their own.  I have gone to  Trader Joe’s and stocked up on as many healthy, easy meals that my freezer can hold. I am doing a practical version of nesting.

I know for a fact that once the baby is here, the laundry will get done, the casseroles can be made, and the nursery can be perfected, and  I also know that unless someone is very, very, very, brave, no one will be offering to babysit my breastfed, colicy baby while I get my eyebrows threaded.

Now who lives in Maryland and wants to meet me at Chiptole on Thursday of next week?

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Mompiphany #42: There Are Winners and There Are Losers

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We are somewhat of a sporty family. My husband played sports growing up and also played college football at the Naval Academy (if the kids and I ever doubt it, he is quick to pull out his highlight films). I also played sports when I was younger, and I make living a healthy, active life style a priority for our family. We don’t make our kids play sports, but we certainly encourage that they do and thankfully they all really like them.  Since they were each very young we have introduced them to a variety of sports, helping them to figure out what they enjoy the most.

As you all know, I have yet to meet a pep talk that I didn’t like. In fact, I have shared a couple of my pep talks with you before, so it should come as no surprise that I have one for their respective sports . Before the kids go off to their sporting events, I have an abridged version of a pep talk. I don’t like to interfere (too much) with the instruction that they receive from their coaches, but I always tell them to play hard, do their best, and to try and win.

GASP! When my kids play sports I actually tell them that they should try to win. I know that, in this day and age, I must seem like a horrible crazy mommy, but I actually think that part of playing sports is trying to win. I always laugh when I hear other parents tell their children that sports is just about having fun. Of course, fun should be a major component of sports, but isn’t it simply more fun when you win?

It seems like nowadays the voice of  being competitive has been stifled by all of this politically correct nonsense:  “Everyone wins!” “Everyone is the best!” “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose.”  Blah Blah Blah. While all of these catch phrases sound good in theory, I could not disagree with them more. In life, there are winners and there are losers. I always tell my kids you do not want to be a loser, and I am not just talking about sports when I say it. A loser to me is someone who doesn’t TRY to win. If you try to win and you have done your best then you can be proud of what you did. You are not necessarily the winner, but you have done a good job. If you don’t try to win or try to do your best, in my eyes that makes you a loser. I know it sounds harsh, but I usually tell them this with a warm smile on my face and I do cap it off with a high-five and a light tap on the derriere like any good coach would.

If my kids play to win — whether it be at sports or the game of life — I will be one super proud mommy. And, if one of them just so happens to make it pro, thanks me in one of their award acceptance speeches at the ESPYs, allows me and Astor to retire early and sets us up in the best possible nursing home, I will be even more proud. I mean, seriously, it is the least they could do to thank me for taking them to their practices every day, sitting outside in the rain, sleet and snow watching and cheering them on. And, let’s not even talk about the small sporting goods store that I could open in our basement with all of the equipment that we have purchased through the years.  Go Team Heaven!

Mompiphany #29: The Pep Talk

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A pair of cheerleading pom-pons

When I take all three of my kids out in public, people often stop us and comment on how well behaved my kids are. I always smile and politely say, “thank you” while lovingly glancing at my precious little cherubs. Little do our admirers know that before I even think about leaving the house with my three crazies, I always have what I affectionately call “the pep talk.”

I am comfortable taking my kids pretty much anywhere: the zoo, plays, movies, parks, festivals, museums, the mall, the grocery store, the gynecologist, etc. For me, it is nothing to marvel at. I know that my husband’s schedule is demanding, and I like to make sure that the kids are as busy as possible so when we want to get up and go somewhere the fact that I often have to take all three of my kids by myself does not slow me down in the least. I owe all of this confidence to the pep talk. Like any good team captain, it is imperative to have plays in line that will ensure a winning outcome.

The pep talk usually starts out like this: Do I need to remind anyone of how we need to act when we are in public today??? To which they all begrudgingly say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I ignore their tone and begin my rousing, motivational speech (SIDE NOTE: I am all about rousing, having been a varsity cheerleader in high school.):

“If anyone runs off without asking me, we will go home. If anyone pees their pants (MILLER!!) because they are too busy to stop to use the bathroom, we will go home. If anyone complains about the (healthy) snacks that Mommy has packed for this outing, you will be subjected to water and fruit for the duration of our excursion to [fill in blank place]. If you whine or cry about the fact that I will not buy any crap from any souvenir shops, you will have to donate your most coveted toy to the Salvation Army when we get home. If you fight with one another, you will have to do a public kissing and hugging session with the other offending party for at least 5 minutes, regardless of who is watching and where we are (the 8 year old particularly loves that one.) If you embarrass our family name in anyway, we will never, ever leave our house again.”

The pep talk always ends with a cheerful, “Now let’s go out and have some fun! Go Team Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Works like a charm I tell ya!

Mompiphany #26: The Ferocious Mommy

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Lion - Louisville Zoo

Long before Amy Chua’s book introduced the Tiger Mom to the masses, I would say that I was a Tiger Mom even though I was not raised with a strict Chinese upbringing, nor did my parents threaten to haul away my favorite toy to the Salvation Army if I didn’t perfect my clarinet scales. Notwithstanding this “lax” upbringing, I find that I have quite a few characteristics of parents who not only want what is best for their kids but who work, and have their kids work hard, to make sure that they are the best.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that my kids are any better than any other kids, but I do have expectations for my kids based on what I know of them and their individual strengths and weaknesses. I expect that they will do their best in school. I expect that they will be at the top of their classes. I expect that they will do some sort of extracurricular activities. During the summer, in addition to all of the fun that we have planned (and I really do make a big effort for them to be able to enjoy their summers), I assign my own projects for them to do in addition to our library’s summer reading program, and the math packets that their school sends home.

So, when my daughter, Marlee, wrote a poem about me as part of her second grade poetry tea a couple of days ago, it should have come as no surprise that while other kids were describing their mothers as “towers of love,” “the prettiest rose in the patch,” and “a beacon of caring,” that my daughter described me as “a ferocious lion of educational meaningfulness.” As I was listening to her ode to her feline predator of a mother, it made me reassess how Marlee perceives me as her mom.

It is clear that Marlee understands all of the expectations that I have for her, but does she really understand how much I love her and do I do a good job of making sure that she knows that she is loved, cared for, and safe with me? The fact that she described me as a ferocious lion was no surprise to those who know me but it was still a little unsettling. I know I am not the type of mother who oozes syrupy cotton candy and bubble gum, but I certainly don’t want mt kids to think of me solely as an educational drill sergeant. My kids are bright, fun, and energetic ,and I don’t want to squelch any of that with all of my educational meaningfulness.

That is why as we are about to start our summer vacation I am vowing to make a concerted effort to not just tell my kids that I love them, but to show them that I do as well. Seeing myself through Marlee’s eyes was a huge “mompiphany” moment. The funny thing is that when she asked me to play the Wii this afternoon, my first response was to say no and suggest that she read or do something else. But tonight I agreed to let her play. Her eyes got wide, and I could tell that she was surprised and happy. Hopefully if she writes a poem about me next year it will be a little more warm and fuzzy. Meow!

Mompiphany #23: The Annoying One

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Lately, I have read  several news stories focusing on how kids treat one another.  The focus has mostly been about bullying, a very serious problem for kids of all ages.  All of this focus on how kids treat each other made me feel compelled to address a related (less serious, although still important) topic:  annoying kids.  To be clear, I in no way believe that children should be mistreated based on their race, religious preference, or sexual orientation, or mistreated at all. What I am talking about is more about basic social skills.

I came to this mompiphany the other night when my youngest daughter, Mckinley, was crying hysterically because Marlee wasn’t being nice to her. In the past I have fed into Mckinley’s hysteria, offering her a discreet handful of swedish fish and demanding that Marlee start being nicer to her. This would inevitably soothe Mckinley’s feelings temporarily. I have heard that being a middle child can be tough so I admit that I sometimes overcompensate with her with the hope that when she’s older, she chooses to work as a pediatrician rather than working the pole.

I realize now that feeding into Mckinley’s issues is never going to fix the situation because, truthfully, Marlee is mean to Mckinley because Mckinley is annoying. Like Beezus to Ramona annoying, little sister bugging you annoying.  So the other night I had a tough love intervention with Mckinley. I told her that Marlee is not nice to her because she (Mckinley) can be annoying at times. I ticked off all of the “little sister annoying things” that Mckinley does. I explained to her that I am also a little sister (to Auntie Tamra) so I am an expert on the subject of annoying an older sister.

The truth is that if people find you annoying they won’t like you and won’t want to play with you. I have told my kids that they should not waste time trying to be friends with kids who don’t want to be their friend. Conversely, if my kids annoy their friends it won’t take long for my kids to lose those friendships.  I have been on both sides of this troublesome coin (although in my day we called it being obnoxious).  And thanks to Facebook, I have been able to make amends with most of the people I “annoyed” in high school. (If I missed you, I’m sorry! Really, I am.)

I think that having to deal with people who like you and people who don’t can be a truly valuable experience. Not everyone is going to like you, especially when you are annoying, and that is just how it is.

Mompiphany #20: 30 Affordable Things To Do This Summer

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Flip Flops, Blue

Flip Flops, Blue (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you don’t have any ideas of what you and your kids will be doing this summer, you are screwed. I know I sound dramatic, but I think it is fair to say that 10+ weeks home with kids who are bored could be akin to mommy waterboarding.  Although there are a few more weeks of school (Praise Jesus!), I have begun thinking of things that my kids and I can do this summer.

In the past I have been able to take advantage of a summer filled with full-day camps but now that I am staying at home with the kids, their summer will be a mix of a couple of weeks of camp, our annual family vacation, pool time and road trips.  That sounds like a lot of activity but I know that there will be quite a bit of downtime in between all of the things that we already have planned, and in my house downtime is the devil’s workshop.

So, I have been researching ideas for easy, affordable summertime activities (Pinterest is especially helpful), and have come up with 30 activities that I plan to do w/ my kids this summer:

1. Let the kids make a lemonade stand.  This is a rite of passage for any kiddie-preneur.

2. Have the kids wash the cars.  A hose and some sponges could keep my kids busy all day and happens to kill 2 birds with 1 clean stone.

3. Plan to see all family members who are within driving distance of our home.  We plan to take roadtrips to Chicago and Boston this summer to visit family.

4. Picnic at the park. The kids love this, and I don’t have to clean the kitchen. Win-win.

5. Paint our driveway with sidewalk paint made from water, cornstarch, and food coloring.

6. Commit to going to the library once a week and create our own summer reading program.  The award at the end of the reading program is an ice cream sundae party for a few friends.

7. Pen pal with friends. This is especially good for my 5 year old who will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and could use some practice writing sentences.

8. Purge old toys and have the kids run a “yard sale” with other neighborhood kids to swap.

9. Eat ice cream for dinner and have dinner for dessert.

10.Let the kids watch as much TV as they want all day,  especially perfect on a hot or rainy day.  This could go down in history as the best day of my kids’ lives.

12. Let the kids do sibling sleepovers.  For some reason, the kids love sleeping together (unless they have to), and this is a lot cheaper than sleep-away camp.

13. Do absolutely nothing (not sure how the kids will like this but it sounds good to me!).

14. Make a list of local museums and try to visit all of them.

15. Give the garbage men and mail man popsicles (for some reason my kids love to do this.)

16. Ride bikes to nearby parks.

17. Visit Daddy at work for impromptu lunches (and maybe drop the kids off with him for the rest of the day?????).

18. Turn the sprinklers on and let the kids enjoy their very own water park.

19. Ask them what they want to do (novel idea, right?).  We are going to sit down and create a list of all of the things that the kids want to do and we will check them off as we go along.

20. Check out a baseball game (major, minor, little, any league).

21. Make a list of local parks that we have not been to yet and try to go to them.

22. Plant something and pray that it makes it out alive.

23. Make homemade ice-cream sandwiches.

24. Do all of the free activities within a 30 mile radius of our home (usually listed in our local newspaper).

25. Move the cars out of the garage and let the kids decorate the garage floor with sidewalk chalk and paint.

26. Go to the pool… a lot.

27. Schedule play dates.

28. Go to movie matinees.

29. Create a star of the week.  Let the kids take turns being the “star.”  That child gets to pick some of the activities for the week, etc.

30. Be thankful that my kids even want to spend the summer hanging out with me, because I am sure when they are teenagers this will definitely not be the case.

What are your your families plan this summer? Let me know. I am always up for adding a few more to-do’s to our list.

Mompiphany #19: The Mommy Interview

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I am not sure, but I think I was just interviewed for a job that I didn’t apply for and don’t want. It’s called the Mommy interview – that forced conversation that happens between mothers when the kids are playing nicely or are in the same class at school. It is usually a quick interview, and if the interviewer is skilled (and most of them are), you may not even know that you were being considered for the position.  Oh, what is the “position” you ask?  It is your (and by “your” I mean you and your child’s) role in the mommy interviewee’s life, i.e., your child can be friends with their child, you can be friends with the mommy interviewee, so that at school functions, birthday parties, and other social events, you can breezily run into each other and have small talk.  Sometimes the husbands are dragged into the job too, and the interviewer starts asking questions about your spouse to see if he/she is compatible with their spouse.

Typical Mommy Interview Questions:

1. Do you stay home?

2. What does your husband do?

3. Where does your child go to pre-school?

4. Where do you live?

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I used to play along with the interview, answering vaguely enough to show that we were not mass murders, but refusing to provide any information that would divulge important information about myself.   After being interviewed for years, I now find the whole ordeal downright rude and obnoxious. I am all for getting to know the people with whom my children interact, but the superficiality of the mommy interview makes my blood boil especially when it happens over and over with the same moms.

All anyone needs to know is that I am a good mother, who is not afraid to discipline my kids and sometimes I can be a wee bit politically incorrect in my approach.  If your kids come to my house, I not only will keep an eye on them, but will make sure that they get outside for fresh air and exercise. I will also make sure that they drink water and eat fruit as part of their snacks. If I hear them saying anything rude or inappropriate, I will pop up unexpectedly and let them know that I doubt their mother would approve (the same way that I don’t approve).  I will even try to make sure that they have a good time.  While my resume may not appeal to everyone, those in my mommy circle know that they can trust me to watch their kids, just like I know that I can trust them with mine.  Anyone who feels the need to interview me every time they see me should probably start looking for another applicant because clearly I am not the right lady for the job!

Mompiphany #17: I Own My Tattoos

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Tattoo parlor shop. New York City 2005

Tattoo parlor shop. New York City 2005 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Whenever my kids are upset about something a “friend” has said to them, my immediate reaction is to say, “Why do you care what so-and-so says?  As long as you like [fill in the blank], it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.” I try to teach them that the only opinion that should matter is their own opinion (and, of course, mine.).  I have been trying to instill this sense of independence in them since they were really small but recently I took a step back and looked at myself and wondered if I was taking my own advice.

I am a confident person and yet something inside of me cares (slightly) what other people think.  If not, why would I threaten my kids with bodily harm if they embarrass our family name when we go out in public?  Why else would I duck behind dog food display at the grocery store when I am fresh from the gym looking a hot, funky mess because I have spotted someone I know in the store?

And, why else would I be considering removing one of my tattoos? I have three (yes, three!) tattoos, and while my tattoos may not fit my current persona as PTA board member, homemade cookie baker, mommy necklace wearer, and obsessive cleaner and sweeper, my tattoos represent who I was some 15 years ago.  Apparently, 15 years ago I was a tattoo-loving, free-spirited girl who could take a fair amount of pain without an epidural.  But, that is so not the case today. Now I am wee bit embarrassed by the almost life-sized lion tattoo that I have on my thigh.  I watch people look at me, my mini-van, my three kids, and the organic grapes that I have packed for snacks, and I feel that they are judging, speculating and wondering about me and my tattoo.

But the more that I think about it, the more I wonder what kind of message removing my tattoos will send to my kids. I want them to know that their mother is happy with who she is, imperfections and all.  I also want them to know that they should own all of their actions and that all of their actions will have a consequence (good or bad).  I don’t want them thinking that they can cavalierly make decisions, then undo them with a few, painful, expensive laser treatments, and all is well again. I also don’t want them thinking that other people’s opinions matter more than their own.  So, for now, I have decided to keep my tattoos. They are part of who I was and I will own it.

Of course, when my kids are older, I very well may drag them with me to the laser treatments to show them how really painful owning things and then disowning them can be!

Mompiphany #15: Stay Out Of The House Mom

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There has to be a better name for my job because the title stay at home mom could not be any further from the truth. My kids are 8, 5, and 3, and if given the chance to stay home or to climb Mountain Kilmanjaro bare foot while carrying all three of my children without being able to drink a single drop of water, guess what I am going to choose?  Yeah, Kilmanjaro, here I come!My youngest kids go to preschool part time, which means that for half of the week they are at “home” with me, and I use that word “home” very, very loosely.  If I can, I actually avoid being in the house with them at all. I plan outings, events, play dates, park excursions, outdoor play, etc. I will pretty much do anything, and I do mean anything, to avoid actually being in the house with my kids.  I love both my house and my kids, which is why this arrangement works so well.

I have found that staying in the house when you are a stay at home mom  leads to monotonous days filled with daytime television, assembly lines of laundry folding, sweeping at the drop of a crumb, and researching three ingredient casseroles online.  That is no way for me or my kids to live, so I am at the other extreme.  Our days are filled to the brim with activities so that we are rarely at home, and when we do go home, it is usually a quick pit stop to grab lunch and have my 3-year old take a quick nap.  During this time, I am as productive as I can possibly be, making dinner, cleaning a good majority of the house, returning a few phone calls, and doing a couple of loads of laundry in about an hour and a half until nap time is over and my oldest daughter comes home from school and then it is time for all of our after school activities.I have seen the schedules of some of my other stay at home mommy friends and it seems like the more you are out of the home the better it is for everyone.

That is why I propose changing our title to stay out of the house moms.  If you’re a stay at home mom, are you in the same boat as me, planning activities to keep you and your kids out of the house, or do you prefer to stay home with them?

Mompiphany #12: All Playdates Are Not Created Equal

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Where we live play dates are scheduled ad nauseum.  Can Marlee come over to play?  What day is Mckinley free to come over?  I have even had requests for Miller, my freshly minted three year old,  to come over for a play date. ( He is potty trained and relatively well behaved, so I guess that makes him a good candidate???)

At first play dates were cute.  My oldest child started having them when she was in Kindergarten.  Before the play date, I would stealthily obtain intel on the parents of the would be play date requester, by asking around, researching any infractions that may not make them a suitable candidate to watch my first born.  Were they hoarders?  Would the requester’s mom actually keep an eye on the kids or would she be immersed in the last episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Of course, being a giver, I don’t just sent my kids off for play dates, I also host play dates at my house.  I have hosted different ones ranging in time and scope.  With all of this hosting experience, I have created my own “do not invite back” list (similar to the TSA’s do not fly list).  I have a list of friends who my kids are forbidden from inviting back over (c’mon, surely I am not the only one who has such a list?!?!).  Because the fact is that a good play date can make your life easier, while a bad play date can make 2 hours seems like 2 horribly long years.  Here is what makes a good play date and what makes a very, very, very bad one:

Good play date:

-Kids play nicely with each other, bickering is kept to a minimum.

-Playroom/house is left relatively intact.

-Kids use (gasp!) their imagination to play and  are open to going outside when the weather is nice.

-Child compliments me on the snack that I have prepared for them.  ” Mrs. Marquette, these brownies are delicious!” *If it is a child I would like to come back, they get homemade brownies, for children I wish to never return they get fruit and water.

-I am given the opportunity to fold and put away all of the laundry, get dinner started, reorganize the pantry and research the benefits of high intensity interval training without hearing a peep from the kids.

-When the child’s parents come to pick him or her up, they easily get their shoes on, grab their backpack, and say thank you before heading out the door.

Bad play date:

-Kids bicker, constantly. The invited child (a/k/a the perpetrator) not only bickers with my child who is their friend, but also with my child’s siblings.

-There is some sort of bodily fluid from a child who does not share my DNA that I need to “handle”: blood, pee, poop, snot, throw up.

-The perpetrator is a whiner: “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTE, we are hungry.” “Maaaaaaaaaaaarquetteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” “Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuetttttttttttttteeeee.”

-The perpetrator wants to play with me instead of my kids: “Maaaaaaaaarquette, can you play scrabble with me?” “Marqqqqqqqqqquette, I am bored.”

-The perpetrator’s mother wants to stay and chat with me. Now this is a fine line.  If the perpetrator’s mom is someone who I am friends with then, by all means, pull up a seat and stay a while. But, if the perpetrator’s mom is not a friend of mine, she is infringing on my laundry sorting time which is a wee bit of an inconvenience.

-The perpetrator refuses to leave when his or her parent comes to pick him or her up. I actually had one child run through my house, hiding while her mom pleaded for her to come out.

Of course, I am just now realizing that my kids have not been invited back to a few of their friends’ houses. Hmmmm, I wonder if they are on any “do not invite back” lists?   I certainly would not be offended if they were.  Have you ever experienced a play date from hell? I can’t wait to hear all about it!

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