When I take all three of my kids out in public, people often stop us and comment on how well behaved my kids are. I always smile and politely say, “thank you” while lovingly glancing at my precious little cherubs. Little do our admirers know that before I even think about leaving the house with my three crazies, I always have what I affectionately call “the pep talk.”

I am comfortable taking my kids pretty much anywhere: the zoo, plays, movies, parks, festivals, museums, the mall, the grocery store, the gynecologist, etc. For me, it is nothing to marvel at. I know that my husband’s schedule is demanding, and I like to make sure that the kids are as busy as possible so when we want to get up and go somewhere the fact that I often have to take all three of my kids by myself does not slow me down in the least. I owe all of this confidence to the pep talk. Like any good team captain, it is imperative to have plays in line that will ensure a winning outcome.

The pep talk usually starts out like this: Do I need to remind anyone of how we need to act when we are in public today??? To which they all begrudgingly say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I ignore their tone and begin my rousing, motivational speech (SIDE NOTE: I am all about rousing, having been a varsity cheerleader in high school.):

“If anyone runs off without asking me, we will go home. If anyone pees their pants (MILLER!!) because they are too busy to stop to use the bathroom, we will go home. If anyone complains about the (healthy) snacks that Mommy has packed for this outing, you will be subjected to water and fruit for the duration of our excursion to [fill in blank place]. If you whine or cry about the fact that I will not buy any crap from any souvenir shops, you will have to donate your most coveted toy to the Salvation Army when we get home. If you fight with one another, you will have to do a public kissing and hugging session with the other offending party for at least 5 minutes, regardless of who is watching and where we are (the 8 year old particularly loves that one.) If you embarrass our family name in anyway, we will never, ever leave our house again.”

The pep talk always ends with a cheerful, “Now let’s go out and have some fun! Go Team Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Works like a charm I tell ya!