Monthly Archives: June 2012

Mompiphany #32: Don’t Talk About Your Husband’s Mom

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On Friday, June 29, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th year of marriage. When we got married on possibly the most humid day of the year in Annapolis at the United States Naval Academy in 2002, I cannot say for sure that I really knew and understood what marriage entails. Both Astor’s and my parents have been married for over 35 years, so we both have seen successful marriages work. But, when I was 25 and in love, I can now say I honestly don’t know if I really understood the enormity of it all and the sacrifices required to make a marriage work. Promising to love someone through good times and bad times, through sickness and health, etc, is very easy to regurgitate when the biggest decision you need to make is which bikini to pack in your carry-on for your honeymoon in St. Maarten.

Now from some people’s Facebook status updates, you may think that marriage is all kisses and roses. But, for me, and I am assuming a lot of other couples, marriage is hard, hard work. I am a traditional girl in a lot of respects and when we married I felt that we were two becoming one, but I can admit now that I didn’t always act that way or really understand what it meant. Marriage, for us, is similar to running a marathon. At the highest points you feel as though you are in the best shape of your life, could move mountains and conquer it all with a smile on your face. But, there are some low points where you seriously wonder what the point of it all is and wonder if you would feel better if you just quit (or at least just sat down alone with some Gatorade and a deep tissue massage).

So while I am keeping it real, here are a few things I’ve learned about being married over the last decade:

1. Never talk about his Mom. I don’t care if he is venting about how upset she has made him or if she is a certifiable cuckoo bird. Just listen with a poker face, and whatever your personal feelings may be just say them to yourself. No matter how mad he is at his Mother, he is going to be a lot madder at you for talking about her.

2. Don’t compare your relationships to anyone else’s. It is hard not to look at other people’s things and feel slight pangs of envy, and you sometimes feel that about people’s relationships. But, you never really know how someone’s relationship is until you are in it. The grass always looks greener until you have to mow it.

3. Don’t nag. My husband is physically allergic to nagging, and I used to think it was the most effective means of getting things done. I would clench an issue in my teeth like a pit bull terrier and would not let go until it was resolved. Turns out that all it did was make my husband even less inclined to do anything for me. Now I ask him to do something but usually say, “If you could do this in a couple of weeks that would be great.”

4. Know your role. Marriage is about teamwork. At times my husband is the captain, and at times I am. We each have very distinct strengths and weaknesses. I find that when I let him lead and be an all-star, it makes my life easier. That’s really how it should be. If your spouse is not a benefit to you and you are not a benefit to him (or her), it may be time to rethink the game plan.

5. Invest in a DVR. Sounds silly but TV watching can get ugly when there is a game on and Revenge. Compromising about who controls the remote is an easy way to show how flexible you are.

10 years down, and many, many, many, many more to go! Cheers to us!
Have you been married for a while? Do you have any tips to share? Please let me know.

Mompiphany #31: Swimming And The Black Child

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Mckinley after a fun day at the pool.

Ok, I am going to venture (briefly) into a new territory for my blog.  Race.  For the most part, I don’t particularly think that race matters when it comes to being a Mother or trying to navigate through the parenthood.  Kids don’t discriminate in their ability to wake up every 2 hours sending new parents in an equal state of hallucinations and happiness. Kids don’t play the race card when they don’t have anything to say to you all day until the moment your phone rings and then it is Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.  Kids and their experiences, especially when they are young, are all pretty similar, except for when it comes to swimming.

Now I will say that I grew up in a predominately white suburb of Boston and my parents placed a huge emphasis on the importance of being able to swim.  My mom did not (and still does not) know how to swim, but my Dad is a great swimmer and both my parents enrolled my sister in and I swimming lessons and made sure that our summer camps taught instructional swim.  Now that I am older and have kids, I am so thankful that they had the foresight to know how important knowing how to swim is.  Dunking a ball, scoring a goal, getting a touch down and running a fast race are all accolades that kids can pat themselves on the back for but none of those accomplishments will ever save their lives. Knowing how to swim is really a matter of life and death, but unfortunately for many black kids this emphasis is not stressed at an early age and I can absolutely see why.  Hair.

Mckinley with her hair a little more tamed.

Hair you ask? Yes, hair.  If you have any knowledge of black hair you may know that while it can be beyond gorgeous and very versatile, it can be very, very, very time consuming.  A lot of black Moms that I speak to just do not want to have to deal with the hair aftermath of a few hours in chlorine, and I can’t say that I blame them.  Despite, the hair, I have made it a priority that my kids will not only learn how to swim, they will love to swim and hopefully end up life guarding at a local pool to help pull their weight around here (it is all about a return on our investment!)

In the summer, the kids and I go to the pool everyday and long after I say good-bye to my pool friends (mostly people who are not black) I am in my house washing with a nourishing shampoo, deep conditioning, detangling, moisturizing, styling and then drying my two daughters hair. This whole process for both girls takes me close to two hours.  Everyday, I spend 120 minutes doing my daughters hair so that they can go back in the pool the next day and we can repeat this process for the 73 days of summer (but whose counting.)

I am not telling you my kids summer hair routine so that I can get sympathy or be entered to win a year’s supply of Kinky Curly products (although Lord knows I would love that) I am telling you to shed a little insight on something you may not know about.  My ah-ha moments often come when trying to put myself in someone else’s shoes and for the summer my shoes happen to be part hair stylist, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Mompiphany #30: McDonald’s Shouldn’t Try To Be Healthy

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English: The mdonalds logo from the late 90s

Why on earth is McDonald’s trying to be healthy?! I don’t treat my kids to McDonald’s often. It is not because I don’t want them to have it, but because I don’t feel like eating that mess. But, of course, it is one of their most favorite restaurants on earth so I let them have it every now and then. I have not been to McDonald’s in a while so you can imagine my SHOCK today when I found out that they made a little change to their happy meal in an effort to make it “healthier.” Um, excuse me, but does anyone eat at McDonald’s with the goal of eating good, nutritious food?

I make sure that my kids eat healthily, and for the most part (when they are not turning their noses up at it), they eat the fruit, vegetables, whole grains, organic, cage free, expensive food that I make them so when I take them to a place like McDonald’s I want them to be able to indulge in the full experience of all of the unhealthiness that McDonald’s has to offer.

Giving them a kid-sized fry (by the way there were approximately 10 fries in the box) and apple slices is not really going to make them any healthier, and I would even go as far to say it probably won’t put a dent in the whole childhood obesity epidemic. Limiting the amount of fries that you get in a happy meal is not going to change the eating habits of most Americans. In fact, it made this American quite annoyed. Leave my kids’ fries alone!!! McDonald’s should just stick to selling unhealthy meals with a cheap toy that moms throw away within 24 hours of receipt. I mean, really!?! What’s next?! Wendy will replace her frosty with chocolate soy non-fat frozen yogurt? I sure I hope I didn’t just give the machine any ideas!

Mompiphany #29: The Pep Talk

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A pair of cheerleading pom-pons

When I take all three of my kids out in public, people often stop us and comment on how well behaved my kids are. I always smile and politely say, “thank you” while lovingly glancing at my precious little cherubs. Little do our admirers know that before I even think about leaving the house with my three crazies, I always have what I affectionately call “the pep talk.”

I am comfortable taking my kids pretty much anywhere: the zoo, plays, movies, parks, festivals, museums, the mall, the grocery store, the gynecologist, etc. For me, it is nothing to marvel at. I know that my husband’s schedule is demanding, and I like to make sure that the kids are as busy as possible so when we want to get up and go somewhere the fact that I often have to take all three of my kids by myself does not slow me down in the least. I owe all of this confidence to the pep talk. Like any good team captain, it is imperative to have plays in line that will ensure a winning outcome.

The pep talk usually starts out like this: Do I need to remind anyone of how we need to act when we are in public today??? To which they all begrudgingly say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I ignore their tone and begin my rousing, motivational speech (SIDE NOTE: I am all about rousing, having been a varsity cheerleader in high school.):

“If anyone runs off without asking me, we will go home. If anyone pees their pants (MILLER!!) because they are too busy to stop to use the bathroom, we will go home. If anyone complains about the (healthy) snacks that Mommy has packed for this outing, you will be subjected to water and fruit for the duration of our excursion to [fill in blank place]. If you whine or cry about the fact that I will not buy any crap from any souvenir shops, you will have to donate your most coveted toy to the Salvation Army when we get home. If you fight with one another, you will have to do a public kissing and hugging session with the other offending party for at least 5 minutes, regardless of who is watching and where we are (the 8 year old particularly loves that one.) If you embarrass our family name in anyway, we will never, ever leave our house again.”

The pep talk always ends with a cheerful, “Now let’s go out and have some fun! Go Team Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Works like a charm I tell ya!

Mompiphany #28: Overuse Of The Word Mom

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As much as I love being a mother, sometimes I absolutely hate hearing my name: Mom, Mommy, Moooooooooooom!!! All. Day. Long. When I was a child, I remember getting into trouble for saying my own mother’s name too much. “If one more person says my name [fill in a threat of violence],” my mom would threaten my sister and me. Now I know exactly how she felt because the incessant calling of “mom” can be very annoying. I know that being a mom is privilege that not everyone can enjoy, but I also know that even June Cleaver would go postal if her own children called her name as often as mine do.

My 3 year old son is the biggest culprit of overuse. From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed he is saying, yelling, whispering, whining, and repeating my name. Maybe it would not be as grating if he simply said my name in a pleasant fashion, something like “Mom, I love you and while you may not be happy with the way your bathing suit looks right now, I think that you look like you did in the high school yearbook that you keep making us look at.” Instead, he yells it, whines it, screams it, even when he doesn’t have to, e.g., when I am sitting on the couch RIGHT next to him, he will yell, “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” Sometimes it is followed by an adorable pause and an “I love you,” but most of the time, “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” is followed by another yelling of my name with some sort of request or declaration, like “I am hungry,” “I am tired,” “Mckinley is bothering me,” “I have to poop,” “I just pooped,” “I miss Daddy” – you get the point.

I feel horrible for thinking this or even writing it but if I hear my name yelled one more time I may lose it. I have threatened my kids that if they scream/whine/yell my name like that I won’t answer and I will put the offender in time out. But, my threats are ignored. (This is probably because they can’t hear me and are too busy yelling my name.) And, I do not blame my kids for picking up this annoying habit; I blame that annoying cartoon, Phineas and Ferb (which is now banned at my house.)  The way the teenage character, Candace, whines “Moooooooooooooooooom” is enough to make you want to scream.

Is there anything that your kids do that make you want to holler? Please tell me I am not the only one.

Mompiphany #27: Don’t Like It? Don’t Eat It.

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A dinner table with wooden chairs in a living ...

This is what I say at the I start of every single meal with my kids. With three very distinct taste buds under one roof finding meals that everyone likes and are quasi-healthy is almost impossible. I know I sound like most moms when I say that it is beyond frustrating when you spend time (be it 5 minutes or 55 minutes) cooking only to have a few pint-sized food critics turn up their noses at what you’ve prepared and request nuggets.

The food battle in my house is exacerbated by my husband. When he is home, he walks into the pantry, grabs a snack, and feeds them to the kids who are trained like Pavlov’s dogs. My kids have gone as far as to run down the driveway while my husband is pulling his car out just to ask for snacks (even when I am standing in the kitchen) because they know that daddy will say yes to anything and that mommy offers up fruit as a suitable snack.

Snacks aside, long ago I decided that I would not cook for the kids because they are so fickle. Even if I cook something that I know that they like, there is still no guarantee that they will eat it. So now I cook for me and my husband, and if the kids happen to want to eat it, that’s a bonus. I menu plan each week, and I do ask for their input (and it is not like I am cooking chitlins and beets) but if they don’t like what I cook, they don’t have to eat it. They can help themselves to a fruit or vegetable. This approach to dealing with my pint-sized food critics has been beyond liberating. If I had a bra that was decent enough to show in public, I would probably burn it in a public display of freedom in front of Harris Teeter.

My kids are well fed and healthy without me catering to their picky-ness. Well-balanced meals are a luxury that not all kids can afford and having confirmed with my pediatrician, I know that kids can go several days without eating before suffering any major ailments so I don’t feel the least bit guilty if the kids are not feeling the whole wheat pasta bake that I made.

So, on the menu tonight: slow cooker bbq chicken on whole wheat hamburger buns, homemade baked fries, and steamed broccoli. No likey? No problem – don’t eat it. That leaves more for me. I feel as free as a bird I tell you.  How do you deal with the picky eaters at your house?

Mompiphany #26: The Ferocious Mommy

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Lion - Louisville Zoo

Long before Amy Chua’s book introduced the Tiger Mom to the masses, I would say that I was a Tiger Mom even though I was not raised with a strict Chinese upbringing, nor did my parents threaten to haul away my favorite toy to the Salvation Army if I didn’t perfect my clarinet scales. Notwithstanding this “lax” upbringing, I find that I have quite a few characteristics of parents who not only want what is best for their kids but who work, and have their kids work hard, to make sure that they are the best.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that my kids are any better than any other kids, but I do have expectations for my kids based on what I know of them and their individual strengths and weaknesses. I expect that they will do their best in school. I expect that they will be at the top of their classes. I expect that they will do some sort of extracurricular activities. During the summer, in addition to all of the fun that we have planned (and I really do make a big effort for them to be able to enjoy their summers), I assign my own projects for them to do in addition to our library’s summer reading program, and the math packets that their school sends home.

So, when my daughter, Marlee, wrote a poem about me as part of her second grade poetry tea a couple of days ago, it should have come as no surprise that while other kids were describing their mothers as “towers of love,” “the prettiest rose in the patch,” and “a beacon of caring,” that my daughter described me as “a ferocious lion of educational meaningfulness.” As I was listening to her ode to her feline predator of a mother, it made me reassess how Marlee perceives me as her mom.

It is clear that Marlee understands all of the expectations that I have for her, but does she really understand how much I love her and do I do a good job of making sure that she knows that she is loved, cared for, and safe with me? The fact that she described me as a ferocious lion was no surprise to those who know me but it was still a little unsettling. I know I am not the type of mother who oozes syrupy cotton candy and bubble gum, but I certainly don’t want mt kids to think of me solely as an educational drill sergeant. My kids are bright, fun, and energetic ,and I don’t want to squelch any of that with all of my educational meaningfulness.

That is why as we are about to start our summer vacation I am vowing to make a concerted effort to not just tell my kids that I love them, but to show them that I do as well. Seeing myself through Marlee’s eyes was a huge “mompiphany” moment. The funny thing is that when she asked me to play the Wii this afternoon, my first response was to say no and suggest that she read or do something else. But tonight I agreed to let her play. Her eyes got wide, and I could tell that she was surprised and happy. Hopefully if she writes a poem about me next year it will be a little more warm and fuzzy. Meow!

Mompiphany #25: Nothing Wrong With Faking It

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I don’t just sit around thinking about how I should put myself before the kids, although I did just tell you all a few ways that I do. For the most part, I work hard to make sure that everyone’s everything is ready and perfect. I pride myself on being able to remember activities, anniversaries, milestones, my kids’ friend’s names and the like, but sometimes in order to get the important things done you have to cut corners.

I used to be one of those overachievers who felt the need to do everything from scratch but after watching a few episodes of that table-scape, cocktail-loving Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade, I realized that she is really on to something more than her next mixed drink. She has perfected the art of faking it.

It is absolutely fine to cut corners every now and then if it makes your life easier. For example, I used to make homemade soup if someone in my family was sick, but guess what? They like Panera’s soup better, and I can spend 5 minutes getting it instead of all day making it. I used to go to Michael’s Craft Stores and spend a boatload of money for the kids’ crafts and projects. I now know that duct tape and egg cartons are just as artsy and, more importantly, are cheap.

The funny thing about being a mom is that much of it is about faking it. For things that don’t need the full 100%, why not just give a solid 50% if it makes your family’s life easier.

Here is my list of things that help me fake it ’til I make it:

1. Paper Plates: I don’t use them all of the time, but when I do I am infinitely happier about meal clean up.

2. Mismatched Socks: It took me a while to be comfortable but now I don’t even bother trying to match the kids’ socks. I throw them in their drawers and leave it up to my kids to figure it out for themselves. I distinctly remember paying a pretty penny for crazy socks at Justice last year so I am just going with the trend.

3. Cleaning Lady: Once I stopped working outside of the home I considered getting rid of our cleaning lady. After one month of cleaning every single day and being obsessively proprietary over the clean toilets that I had scrubbed, I decided that our cleaning lady will always be a nonnegotiable line item on our budget. Always.

4. Early Bedtimes: After a particularly challenging day I have ridiculously early bedtimes for my kids. The earliest I have put them to bed was 6 pm. We all were very well rested the following day.

5. After School Activities: I am in the camp that the overscheduled child is the happy child. If your child likes activities why not sign them up for a lot of them? An afternoon without scheduled activities at my house with my 3 crazies bouncing off the walls and their beds is inviting an ER visit…for one of them or me.

6. Snacks For Lunch: I used to pride myself on making a well-balanced lunch with all of the food groups, but now I just pack snacks (some of which are healthy)  for them. That is what my kids want to eat anyway and it helps to make sure that they don’t waste food or mommy’s time.

7. TV: I have a love/hate relationship with TV. I really do limit my kids’ television intake. In fact, sometimes they can go a week without even turning it on. But when I do “need” them to watch it if I have to get something done, the television is my best friend.

8. Great neighbors: Of course, I know where to borrow eggs and brown sugar, but my neighbors have also helped out picking my child up from the bus stop while I was stuck in traffic. They have let me know that I forgot to close my garage door and brought over casseroles at the birth of each of my kids.  Great neighbors make life infinitely easier.

9. High School Baby Sitters: Having good, cheap sitters is a luxury that many cannot afford. But if you can, it certainly makes your life easier. I used to drag all of my kids to everything: my annual gynecological exam, the grocery store, etc. Now I just take them places where I know that they can behave.

10. Cereal For Dinner: Some nights it is just the easiest thing to cook.

How do you fake it? Let me know!