Monthly Archives: May 2012

Mompiphany #24: Messing Up The Kitchen Might Get You Cut

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English: Picture of three sponges Deutsch: Fot...

When I first started staying home, I wondered if we really needed our cleaning lady anymore. Instead of holding down a full time job and shuttling all of the kids to their bazillion activities and the like, I was now the Chief Operating Officer of our household (as well as the resident neat police) and I figured that I would be able to maintain the cleanliness of our home. I like to pride myself on being neat and organized, so I figured that I could (and should) take on the role of cleaning lady. I planned to assume all of the duties of a stay at home mom and cleaning, of course, is at the top of the list.

I called our cleaning lady and told her that I would like her to come just once a month (hey… baby steps! we have had a cleaning lady for the last 9 years so I needed to take it slow) and that I would be able to handle all of the cleaning outside of that. For that first month, I cleaned every day, around the clock. I was a sweeping mad woman. I scrubbed toilets every day and wiped down counters. I also straightened beds, swiffer-jetted floors, folded laundry – you get the point. I was doing all of this cleaning but our house never really felt or looked clean. And, because I was doing all of this work, I was a royal pain in everyone’s butt. Mess up the kitchen that just took me 4 hours to clean? You might get cut. Pee on the floor in the bathroom that I just scrubbed? Are you out of your mind?

I was so annoying to my family with my new proprietary ownership of all things clean in the house that I would literally suck the life out of any room that I entered. If the kids went to bed and left toothpaste spit in the sink, I would stand outside their rooms seriously contemplating waking them up just to clean it. If my husband left his shoes out, I would angrily throw them into the closet with the force of a javelin thrower at the Olympics. If my kids or husband didn’t rinse their respective bowls and put them in the sink, I would feel tears well up in my eyes while I muttered that nobody appreciates me. Crazy, right?

Now I know that a lot of people can’t afford the luxury of a cleaning lady, but if you can afford it, I suggest that you get one, like for real. Is cleaning the house hard in and of itself? Not really but it is time consuming. and when you have 4 other messy people living in your house it can make you feel like a gerbil in one of those hamster cages.

After trying this cleaning experiment for a month, I am happy to report that we are back to having our lovely cleaning lady come every other week, and I am in a happier place for it (and I suspect my kids and husband are happier for it too). Having a cleaning lady is certainly an extra expense and I realize that so I have decided to make sacrifices in other areas. I will become an extreme couponing expert. I also plan to go longer a period of time before paying to maintain my eyebrows. I have started growing herbs in our yard, and I am even willing to do my own bikini wax (gulp!). But our cleaning lady is the one budget line item that must stay, for the sake of all involved. I am thinking that having a cleaning lady is a lot less expensive than paying the monthly fee to have me committed to the nearest mental hospital.

Mompiphany #23: The Annoying One

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Lately, I have read  several news stories focusing on how kids treat one another.  The focus has mostly been about bullying, a very serious problem for kids of all ages.  All of this focus on how kids treat each other made me feel compelled to address a related (less serious, although still important) topic:  annoying kids.  To be clear, I in no way believe that children should be mistreated based on their race, religious preference, or sexual orientation, or mistreated at all. What I am talking about is more about basic social skills.

I came to this mompiphany the other night when my youngest daughter, Mckinley, was crying hysterically because Marlee wasn’t being nice to her. In the past I have fed into Mckinley’s hysteria, offering her a discreet handful of swedish fish and demanding that Marlee start being nicer to her. This would inevitably soothe Mckinley’s feelings temporarily. I have heard that being a middle child can be tough so I admit that I sometimes overcompensate with her with the hope that when she’s older, she chooses to work as a pediatrician rather than working the pole.

I realize now that feeding into Mckinley’s issues is never going to fix the situation because, truthfully, Marlee is mean to Mckinley because Mckinley is annoying. Like Beezus to Ramona annoying, little sister bugging you annoying.  So the other night I had a tough love intervention with Mckinley. I told her that Marlee is not nice to her because she (Mckinley) can be annoying at times. I ticked off all of the “little sister annoying things” that Mckinley does. I explained to her that I am also a little sister (to Auntie Tamra) so I am an expert on the subject of annoying an older sister.

The truth is that if people find you annoying they won’t like you and won’t want to play with you. I have told my kids that they should not waste time trying to be friends with kids who don’t want to be their friend. Conversely, if my kids annoy their friends it won’t take long for my kids to lose those friendships.  I have been on both sides of this troublesome coin (although in my day we called it being obnoxious).  And thanks to Facebook, I have been able to make amends with most of the people I “annoyed” in high school. (If I missed you, I’m sorry! Really, I am.)

I think that having to deal with people who like you and people who don’t can be a truly valuable experience. Not everyone is going to like you, especially when you are annoying, and that is just how it is.

Mompiphany #22: Sometimes Mommy Has To Come First

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Although society seems to frown upon it, it is sometimes absolutely imperative (for the well-being of all involved) to put Mommy first.  Before you even get the morning sickness, hemorrhoids, engorged breasts, sleepless nights and extra skin around the mid-section, people will harp on the fact that once you have a child, you, as a Mom, become second fiddle and your life’s mission will now be to put your child first and make sure that they are taken care of and happy.

While I do agree that it is important to nurture and take care of your child, I can’t say that I agree 100% that kids should always come first.  Here are just a few times where Mommy should come first:

1. When there is only one dollop of conditioner left.  My girls and I all have naturally curly hair, but when we are down to our last bit of Kinky Curly Knot Today Leave In Conditioner, it is every (wo)man for herself and I always come out on top.  A crazy looking Mommy is far worse than a crazy looking child.

2. When your husband is traveling and the only way to get to the gym is to skip one of your child’s activities and drag all of the kids to the gym child care. Mommy is far less useful when she is dead from high blood pressure and obesity. I am just sayin’.

3. When you are traveling with your family of five and just one person is upgraded to first class. I mean, really, is this even a question?  A giving Mommy would, however, make sure to smuggle enough free snacks in her purse for everyone to enjoy in the hotel room.

Surely I am not the only Mommy who agrees that as a mere survival mechanism it is important to put yourself first.  What ways do you put yourself first? I promise not to judge!

Mompiphany #21: No More Meds On The Way To School

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Promethazine-codeine cough syrup

My little boy is sick –  high temperature, lethargic on the couch, refusing ice cream kind of sick, and you know what I thought as soon as I realized that he is not feeling well? “Wow, now I can actually stay home with him until he gets better.”

As a working mom I have done what a lot of us do, ignore little symptoms and hope and pray that you can make it through a day at work before you get the call that your child should be picked up and cannot return to pre-school for 24 hours. I am so guilty of doing this.  Of course, if my child was really sick (like having hand, foot and mouth like my son had last summer), I would of course stay home with him without a second thought, but sometimes kids have slight ailments.  A “little” throw up could be classified as an upset stomach due to spoiled milk.   A low grade fever could possibly be teething (even when they are well past the teething age).

I admit that I have made many a justification as to why my child is not REALLY sick and could theoretically still go to school.  It sounds so horrible, but I have been burned many times by a child who seems too sick to go to school at 7:30 am and by 10 am they have been healed miraculously and are now bouncing off the walls requiring my undivided attention when I am supposed to be working from home.

And let’s not even talk about how the gloves can come off with your spouse when you are trying to decide who should stay home with the sickling.  In my house, because my job was so flexible and my husband’s job is so demanding, it was never much of a discussion if I would stay home or if my husband would.  My husband would throw up a well sanitized hand as he waved bye-bye on his way to work.

So today, instead of pulling into the pre-school parking lot and giving my son some ibuprofen mixed with a prayer that he is able to make it through a few short hours of school while I am at work, I get to stay home with my him until he is 100% better.  Or, until he runs this Nurse Mommy thing into the ground, whichever comes first.
Being a stay at home mommy does make things a little easier sometimes.

 

Mompiphany #20: 30 Affordable Things To Do This Summer

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Flip Flops, Blue

Flip Flops, Blue (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you don’t have any ideas of what you and your kids will be doing this summer, you are screwed. I know I sound dramatic, but I think it is fair to say that 10+ weeks home with kids who are bored could be akin to mommy waterboarding.  Although there are a few more weeks of school (Praise Jesus!), I have begun thinking of things that my kids and I can do this summer.

In the past I have been able to take advantage of a summer filled with full-day camps but now that I am staying at home with the kids, their summer will be a mix of a couple of weeks of camp, our annual family vacation, pool time and road trips.  That sounds like a lot of activity but I know that there will be quite a bit of downtime in between all of the things that we already have planned, and in my house downtime is the devil’s workshop.

So, I have been researching ideas for easy, affordable summertime activities (Pinterest is especially helpful), and have come up with 30 activities that I plan to do w/ my kids this summer:

1. Let the kids make a lemonade stand.  This is a rite of passage for any kiddie-preneur.

2. Have the kids wash the cars.  A hose and some sponges could keep my kids busy all day and happens to kill 2 birds with 1 clean stone.

3. Plan to see all family members who are within driving distance of our home.  We plan to take roadtrips to Chicago and Boston this summer to visit family.

4. Picnic at the park. The kids love this, and I don’t have to clean the kitchen. Win-win.

5. Paint our driveway with sidewalk paint made from water, cornstarch, and food coloring.

6. Commit to going to the library once a week and create our own summer reading program.  The award at the end of the reading program is an ice cream sundae party for a few friends.

7. Pen pal with friends. This is especially good for my 5 year old who will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and could use some practice writing sentences.

8. Purge old toys and have the kids run a “yard sale” with other neighborhood kids to swap.

9. Eat ice cream for dinner and have dinner for dessert.

10.Let the kids watch as much TV as they want all day,  especially perfect on a hot or rainy day.  This could go down in history as the best day of my kids’ lives.

12. Let the kids do sibling sleepovers.  For some reason, the kids love sleeping together (unless they have to), and this is a lot cheaper than sleep-away camp.

13. Do absolutely nothing (not sure how the kids will like this but it sounds good to me!).

14. Make a list of local museums and try to visit all of them.

15. Give the garbage men and mail man popsicles (for some reason my kids love to do this.)

16. Ride bikes to nearby parks.

17. Visit Daddy at work for impromptu lunches (and maybe drop the kids off with him for the rest of the day?????).

18. Turn the sprinklers on and let the kids enjoy their very own water park.

19. Ask them what they want to do (novel idea, right?).  We are going to sit down and create a list of all of the things that the kids want to do and we will check them off as we go along.

20. Check out a baseball game (major, minor, little, any league).

21. Make a list of local parks that we have not been to yet and try to go to them.

22. Plant something and pray that it makes it out alive.

23. Make homemade ice-cream sandwiches.

24. Do all of the free activities within a 30 mile radius of our home (usually listed in our local newspaper).

25. Move the cars out of the garage and let the kids decorate the garage floor with sidewalk chalk and paint.

26. Go to the pool… a lot.

27. Schedule play dates.

28. Go to movie matinees.

29. Create a star of the week.  Let the kids take turns being the “star.”  That child gets to pick some of the activities for the week, etc.

30. Be thankful that my kids even want to spend the summer hanging out with me, because I am sure when they are teenagers this will definitely not be the case.

What are your your families plan this summer? Let me know. I am always up for adding a few more to-do’s to our list.

Mompiphany #19: The Mommy Interview

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I am not sure, but I think I was just interviewed for a job that I didn’t apply for and don’t want. It’s called the Mommy interview – that forced conversation that happens between mothers when the kids are playing nicely or are in the same class at school. It is usually a quick interview, and if the interviewer is skilled (and most of them are), you may not even know that you were being considered for the position.  Oh, what is the “position” you ask?  It is your (and by “your” I mean you and your child’s) role in the mommy interviewee’s life, i.e., your child can be friends with their child, you can be friends with the mommy interviewee, so that at school functions, birthday parties, and other social events, you can breezily run into each other and have small talk.  Sometimes the husbands are dragged into the job too, and the interviewer starts asking questions about your spouse to see if he/she is compatible with their spouse.

Typical Mommy Interview Questions:

1. Do you stay home?

2. What does your husband do?

3. Where does your child go to pre-school?

4. Where do you live?

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I used to play along with the interview, answering vaguely enough to show that we were not mass murders, but refusing to provide any information that would divulge important information about myself.   After being interviewed for years, I now find the whole ordeal downright rude and obnoxious. I am all for getting to know the people with whom my children interact, but the superficiality of the mommy interview makes my blood boil especially when it happens over and over with the same moms.

All anyone needs to know is that I am a good mother, who is not afraid to discipline my kids and sometimes I can be a wee bit politically incorrect in my approach.  If your kids come to my house, I not only will keep an eye on them, but will make sure that they get outside for fresh air and exercise. I will also make sure that they drink water and eat fruit as part of their snacks. If I hear them saying anything rude or inappropriate, I will pop up unexpectedly and let them know that I doubt their mother would approve (the same way that I don’t approve).  I will even try to make sure that they have a good time.  While my resume may not appeal to everyone, those in my mommy circle know that they can trust me to watch their kids, just like I know that I can trust them with mine.  Anyone who feels the need to interview me every time they see me should probably start looking for another applicant because clearly I am not the right lady for the job!

Mompiphany #18: I Am An Unfair Parent

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Scale of justice

Scale of justice (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love all of my kids equally, but I treat each of them differently.  Having three kids with three distinct personalities requires me to treat them each differently. They truly require different things: different ways to motivate, discipline, and praise which means that sometimes I am not fair (based on their perception of fairness).  It also means that I do not give them all the same things.

I do not feel that my kids should get gifts on their siblings’ birthdays. I am not the type who is going to treat them all to new shoes when only one needs them. I don’t reward one child just because I am rewarding another child.  That is not how the real world works, and I don’t want my kids to be set up for disappointment down the road.  In the real world you don’t get things “just because.” Sounds unfair, right?

The point that I try to drive home  to them is that life is not fair.  It is not fair that some parents can’t afford to feed their kids dinner every night. It is not fair that some kids are born with life threatening illnesses. It is not fair that some families are evicted from their homes. The list of unfair things is miles long if we want to add everything up.

When you have more than one child, it is common to divide things evenly and make sure that everyone’s piece of the proverbial pie is equal  (when it comes to the last piece of banana bread I really do just that).  But, sometimes it is good to show kids that someone else may get a little more or less than them.  When I praise my middle child for saying something funny, my younger son automatically asks if he is funny too. I tell him, “No, Sweetie.  Peeing on the floor instead of the potty is not funny.”  I praise each of them and acknowledge their respective achievements when they have something to acknowledge, which to me is perfectly fair.

I guess the only way I will know if my way of managing fairness works will be down the road when my children are older and need or don’t need therapy.  I suppose the good thing is that, because I don’t always buy three of everything, I should be able to send them to the best therapists that money can buy if they do need therapy.  That seems fair, right?

Mompiphany #17: I Own My Tattoos

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Tattoo parlor shop. New York City 2005

Tattoo parlor shop. New York City 2005 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Whenever my kids are upset about something a “friend” has said to them, my immediate reaction is to say, “Why do you care what so-and-so says?  As long as you like [fill in the blank], it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.” I try to teach them that the only opinion that should matter is their own opinion (and, of course, mine.).  I have been trying to instill this sense of independence in them since they were really small but recently I took a step back and looked at myself and wondered if I was taking my own advice.

I am a confident person and yet something inside of me cares (slightly) what other people think.  If not, why would I threaten my kids with bodily harm if they embarrass our family name when we go out in public?  Why else would I duck behind dog food display at the grocery store when I am fresh from the gym looking a hot, funky mess because I have spotted someone I know in the store?

And, why else would I be considering removing one of my tattoos? I have three (yes, three!) tattoos, and while my tattoos may not fit my current persona as PTA board member, homemade cookie baker, mommy necklace wearer, and obsessive cleaner and sweeper, my tattoos represent who I was some 15 years ago.  Apparently, 15 years ago I was a tattoo-loving, free-spirited girl who could take a fair amount of pain without an epidural.  But, that is so not the case today. Now I am wee bit embarrassed by the almost life-sized lion tattoo that I have on my thigh.  I watch people look at me, my mini-van, my three kids, and the organic grapes that I have packed for snacks, and I feel that they are judging, speculating and wondering about me and my tattoo.

But the more that I think about it, the more I wonder what kind of message removing my tattoos will send to my kids. I want them to know that their mother is happy with who she is, imperfections and all.  I also want them to know that they should own all of their actions and that all of their actions will have a consequence (good or bad).  I don’t want them thinking that they can cavalierly make decisions, then undo them with a few, painful, expensive laser treatments, and all is well again. I also don’t want them thinking that other people’s opinions matter more than their own.  So, for now, I have decided to keep my tattoos. They are part of who I was and I will own it.

Of course, when my kids are older, I very well may drag them with me to the laser treatments to show them how really painful owning things and then disowning them can be!

Mompiphany #16: Stay At Home Moms Have More Sex

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I recently suggested to my husband that we sit down and seriously discuss what my roles and responsibilities will be as a stay at home mom. I was very curious to know what his expectations would be.

In lieu of my past quick and easy pasta bake, will he now be expecting homemade pasta with fresh tomatoes from a garden that I have grown myself?

Will he request that his clothes be washed, folded and put away properly as opposed to how I now wash all clothes (regardless of color) in one load and then shove them in any open crevice on his side of the closet?

While it was clear within a few minutes of our conversation that other than me not screaming at the kids in the morning that I was going to be late for work, not a whole lot would be changing from what I was doing when I worked outside of the home.  Although, it seems as though my dear husband seems to think that I will have a lot more time for, sex.

Now, I have polled many of my stay at home mommy friends and all of them told me explicitly what they do, do more of:  referring, cooking, cleaning, playdate scheduling, volunteering, penny pinching, bargain hunting, pinteresting, couponing, crying in the fetal position, shopping, wine drinking, dolling out bandaids, etc. and not one of them ever mentioned that they were having more sex as a result of being a stay at home mom, although some of them did say that they are thinking a lot more about sex because they are reading “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

After working the 24 hour shift (what I affectionately call being a stay at home mom), I can honestly say that at the end of my day I am tired and drained and sex is not really at the top of my mind.  Although, I suppose I am open to having more relations, maybe I can schedule some time do it on my day off?

Mompiphany #15: Stay Out Of The House Mom

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There has to be a better name for my job because the title stay at home mom could not be any further from the truth. My kids are 8, 5, and 3, and if given the chance to stay home or to climb Mountain Kilmanjaro bare foot while carrying all three of my children without being able to drink a single drop of water, guess what I am going to choose?  Yeah, Kilmanjaro, here I come!My youngest kids go to preschool part time, which means that for half of the week they are at “home” with me, and I use that word “home” very, very loosely.  If I can, I actually avoid being in the house with them at all. I plan outings, events, play dates, park excursions, outdoor play, etc. I will pretty much do anything, and I do mean anything, to avoid actually being in the house with my kids.  I love both my house and my kids, which is why this arrangement works so well.

I have found that staying in the house when you are a stay at home mom  leads to monotonous days filled with daytime television, assembly lines of laundry folding, sweeping at the drop of a crumb, and researching three ingredient casseroles online.  That is no way for me or my kids to live, so I am at the other extreme.  Our days are filled to the brim with activities so that we are rarely at home, and when we do go home, it is usually a quick pit stop to grab lunch and have my 3-year old take a quick nap.  During this time, I am as productive as I can possibly be, making dinner, cleaning a good majority of the house, returning a few phone calls, and doing a couple of loads of laundry in about an hour and a half until nap time is over and my oldest daughter comes home from school and then it is time for all of our after school activities.I have seen the schedules of some of my other stay at home mommy friends and it seems like the more you are out of the home the better it is for everyone.

That is why I propose changing our title to stay out of the house moms.  If you’re a stay at home mom, are you in the same boat as me, planning activities to keep you and your kids out of the house, or do you prefer to stay home with them?